Europe According to the Dutch

This map is also for sale as a physical poster through Etsy!

A continent in (generally) well-meant stereotypes. Because despite the geopolitical shitshow that was 2016, we still like our neighbours <3

stereotypes-of-europe-final-2

Albania

  • Yes, you’re mediterranean. No, we’re not visiting. – It’s not that we think your beaches are ugly, it’s just that literally everyone else’s are prettier.

Austria

Baltic states

  • We know they have their different languages and cultures. We just don’t really care.

Belgium

  • Architectural anarchy – We tried to explain the concept of building regulations to them, but they haven’t caught on yet
  • Speech impediments – General Flemish has its qualities and with some effort it’s not that hard to understand, but then they throw shit like West Flemish at us and it’s back to square one.
  • Beer! – Duh.
  • Hang on, this isn’t France yet – Wallonia. They speak French (although the French might disagree), but apart from that it’s very much Belgium.

Bosnia

  • Some air support would be nice – Our very own national trauma. Mistakes were made…

Cyprus

  • Heaven for mediocre football players – We have a tendency to send our finest players to Cyprus to improve the football culture over there (jk, they go for the weather and the higher wages) (also, they’re not our finest)

Czech Republic

  • Stop-motion handymen – The childhood glory that is Pat & Mat (Neighbour & Neighbour in Dutch). A je to!

Denmark

  • What do you mean I can’t pay in euros? – Step 1: look at hotels in Copenhagen. Step 2: have the rates give you a heart attack. Step 3: remember to divide by 7 because these cavemen still pay with krone. Step 4: realize it’s still fucking expensive.

Faroe Islands

  • Faroe? Nah, that’s too easy. Let’s make it Faeroër in Dutch, no way that anyone ever has trouble pronouncing that!

France

  • Fuck it, we’ll plant our caravan here – Not specific to Northern France, we plant our caravans fucking everywhere
  • Excusez-moi, monsieur le camping owner? Où est le wifi password? – …as long as there’s wifi, running water and electricity.
  • Gasp, a strike? Quelle surprise! – Says no one ever.
  • Asterix – Comics; one of the few things in which the French and Belgians are miles ahead of us.
  • Ring road of death – Boulevard Périphérique de Paris – Twice as fun with a caravan and two carsick children in the back
  • Du pain, du vin, du Boursin – Nothing better than a fine wine, a freshly baked baguette, and cheap-ass cream cheese from the supermarket
  • Route du neverending traffic jams – Route du Soleil. Like the Paris peripherique, only longer.
  • Mecca for cyclists with a midlife crisis – Mont Ventoux. We even made a decent movie about it

Germany

  • Why on earth would you need another Friesland? – Ostfriesland. We’re hardly using our own Friesland, two is just overkill.
  • Muh bikes! – Ze Germans liked to borrow our bikes back in WWII, but had some selective Alzheimers when we asked them back. Telling a random German that his bike belonged to your grandfather has been a running gag that survived for decades (still funny, though).
  • Epicenter of hipsterdom – Not even the freaky Dutch can beat Berlin in its glutenfree artisanal bearded glory.
  • Disturbing tendency to dig holes in places that aren’t theirs – Can be Rotterdam or the North Sea beach, take your pick
  • Maximum car speed test tracks – We have a 130kph speed limit, they don’t. It’s not rocket science.
  • Dirndls and Lederhosen – Not even Van Gaal is safe…

Great Britain

  • Villages with high murder rates / It’s pronounced Dee-ell / It’s pronounced Bouquet – We’re suckers for both British crime series (Midsomer Murders and Dalziel & Pascoe) and old-fashioned British comedy (Keeping Up Appearances)
  • Chronic vowel shortage – Welsh. Y cantt yvn…
  • You’re welcome for Ruud, sorry voor Van Gaal – You win some, you lose some…
  • Do you mind picking up your chavs in Amsterdam? – Seriously. We’re just waiting for them to take a leak against the Nightwatch…
  • Great Britain’s Frisia – Can’t understand them for the life of me, weird sports with poles (caber toss/fierljeppen), so far north you forget they exist, separatist movements without the balls to actually pull the plug…yeah, I’d say it’s a fair comparison.

Greece

  • Behave fiscally responsible or we send Jeroen Dijsselbloem – President of the Eurogroup. FEAR HIM!
  • Souvlaki/Sirtaki – One is a funny dance, the other is meat on a stick.

Hungary

  • Sziget! – Come for the cheap festival tickets, stay because it’s an island and you can’t swim while drunk.
  • Goulash – Fuck yeah, goulash soup.

Iceland

Ireland

Italy

  • Gullit, Rijkaard, Van Basten – the Holy Trifecta of AC Milan in the late 80s/early 90s
  • “Holidays in France are for peasants – Tuscany snobs without caravans
  • Do order: pasta, pizza. Don’t order: trains. – We did that once. It didn’t work out.

Macedonia

  • WTF is a Skopje – This is probably just me, but given that -je is a diminutive suffix in Dutch, as a kid I wondered what a Skop was and why it was smaller in Macedonia.

Moldavia

Norway

  • Only legit ice skating competitors – We usually treat speed skating as a national sport, even in international competitions. But once in a while, some asshole comes along and spoils the party.
  • Meteorites and sleep deprivation – “Beyond Sleep“, one of the most important postwar literary works in the Netherlands and the bane of every high school student’s existence…

Poland

  • How dare you steal the jobs we can’t be bothered to do – Either you’re lazy fuck who profits from our social security or you work too hard in the asparagus fields for us Dutchies to compete. Can’t win as a Pole.
  • Obligatory school trip destination – Auschwitz. No Pokémon to be caught.

Romania

  • Permanent holiday park residents – “Because you might work here, you’re sure as shit not living next to me” – small-minded Dutch people, probably.

Serbia

Slovakia

  • Czech Republic only cheaper – I know nothing about Slovakia, apart from the fact that it’s not Slovenia (why they still use practically the same flag is beyond me) and that they’ve got Peter Sagan.

Slovenia

  • Balkan minus the civil wars and massacres – The Balkans don’t have a great reputation around here, but we usually don’t count Slovenia among them.

Spain

  • We’re good now (we just haven’t told Nigel de Jong yet) – Former arch enemy and foreign occupier, but who’s got their economy in shambles now? (Also, Nigel, what were you thinking…)
  • Delirious dudes attacking windmills – I’m not a fan of criticizing literary heritage, but come on, Quichote, we Dutch are sensitive about windmill treatment.
  • Hola supermercado, telebancos por aqui – We speak our languages, coños!
  • Naughty children depository – As is tradition
  • Only language Frans Timmermans doesn’t speak (yet) – Our national polyglot (and vice president of the European Commission), but Basque might be a bridge too far

Switzerland

  • Aggressively neutral – We tried that game in World War II as well, but the Germans didn’t want to play.
  • Heidi
  • Tunnel! Oh God! Turn back! – The Gotthard Tunnel, for when you like to start your holiday with a 10 hour traffic jam.

Ukraine